"there will be days..."

the song that goes "mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this my mama said" fits pretty perfectly here... (dont deny youre singing it now hehe)... but the quote i was going for was "there will be days when i dont think i can run a marathon, there will be a lifetime knowing that i have". the title of this blog post was the very same title i used back in october of 2009 on my very first marathon recap. i remember that day very well. i will never forget the feeling coming down that final half mile stretch knowing i was about to cross the finish line after 26.2 miles for the very first time. it was one of the hardest things i had ever done and i felt an overwhelming sense of accomplishment and joy.

awesome finish line photo courtesy of the bff

i thought my marathon experience would most likely be one and done... but starting on that very day a fire was lit inside me and i just kept running. i learned to love that distance, and have gone on to complete 7 more in the next few years, including becoming a marathon maniac (and henry even became a maniac before he was born!)

2011

2012

not all marathons have been great (cough cough around the lake ) and most of them have been cold and rainy or sweltering hot (why do we do this again?!). after working very hard last summer i achieved my (arbitrary) sub 4 goal, and followed it up two weeks later with a trip to the med tent post race. the marathon is a beast... you never know what the weather will be like and despite awesome training things might just not go your way. but you have to respect the distance. and i do.

that being said, my training for mount desert island marathon (oct 20th) started 4 weeks after giving birth. i had thought about taking 6 weeks off but my emotional status at that point in time warranted some sort of exercise needed just to keep me sane. ty came home from work one day and found me crying on the couch... "just go for a run" he said. and i did. one mile at first, fairly slow, but i felt like myself again. coming back was difficult and frustrating but i didnt give up. my first "long run" (7 miles!) was almost unbearable (thank you kristal for sticking next to me despite all my walking and complaining). but it all got better, and easier, and i felt good! (love those endorphins!)

i flawlessly made it through week 10 of a beginner training program, not missing one run (pretty easy when youre not working!) then i went back to work and the 4am runs returned. and the oppressive maine summer heat/humidity returned. and i started skipping some runs and cutting others short. and then days came that i looked like this:
  

you might think i had just come home from a run that didnt go well... no. that pic was taken before i even left the house. i know there are gonna be off days in training. 18 weeks is a long time. but throw in the fact that i work full time and have a newborn. sure, there could be more on my plate. i know people who work two jobs, have 18 kids, make pinterest projects, participate on the school board committee, train for ironmans... i kid, i kid... but i know i shouldnt be complaining. im just tired. and its taken its toll on me, on my life, on my family, and on my running.

the emotional struggle ive put myself through over the past few weeks has almost been unbearable. being a first time mom is both easier and harder than i thought, but i love every second of it. i think we might have the worlds easiest baby but that doesnt mean there havent been our own personal struggles. ive certainly put my family first over myself, and although theres nothing wrong with that, i know i need to take care of me too. part of that is marathon training... although i know running has been good for my emotional health (and certainly my physical health), i want to feel like i want to go for run, as opposed to i have to go for a run. if i want to stay and hang out with ty and henry, i dont want to feel bad for missing a run. my recent 15 miler went well but i had no desire to go any further. my 16 and 18 miler never happened. and i dreaded thinking about 20 miles. 

long story short, im no longer training for the marathon, and i feel really good about that decision. i feel like i can breathe again. a few weeks ago the directors of mount desert island announced the new half marathon option... it gave me an out. i had to check with kristal first (as it was my idea to convince her to sign up in the first place. way to go, what a good friend i am!) but shes had her own struggles too and i think she was secretly excited i asked her if she wanted to switch. sure we could slog through the miles and feel miserable, but like i said before- i respect the distance enough not to just do it just because. my love for the distance (and training??) will come back again. for now, im focusing on me and my family.