big brother

someday i will be on this show. someday being the key word. im too old for the real world (thank.God). i would have hated road rules (does that show even exist anymore?) i would last all of 20 minutes on survivor. amazing race.... maybe.

but big brother, im coming for you. (and im SO glad i didnt send in my application for last season...)

i would have been kicked off for attempted murder

i do realize my chances of being on the show are slim. my original plan was to really play up the whole "im from MAINE! waaaay up by canada, do you even know where maine is? no one from maine has ever been on a reality show, so clearly you need to see how awesome i am!". then julie dated survivor host jeff after the show. then bob freaking won survivor. then adam was on the real world (he really made maine look cool... not). then ashley was on survivor. then another ashley was on the bachelorette. thanks for blowing it for me, guys. but i think they would see that im still pretty cool, right?

bob

ashley

adam

ashley

so anyway... i probably have no intention to ever send in my application or make the 2 minute video, but i figured i would fill it out anyway and file it away for a rainy day when maybe, just maybe, i get some real guts (note: thats not today). the application is 13 pages long and pretty much asks you to share your deepest darkest secrets so they can make sure to expose you on national television. so thats cool. oh yeah, this show has video cameras watching you 24/7... thats what you sign up for. my bad.

eligibility instructions # 4: the house is extensively outfitted with video and audio recording devices which will record, broadcast and exhibit your actions and voice at all times, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week in every room of the house for the duration of your participation in the contest. you will be observed at all times by the producers as well as the general public watching on tv, the internet, mobile devices, and any and all other media.

   ...just incase you were unsure...

so even if i did get chosen as just a semi-finalist, id have to pay my way to wherever they decide they can meet me... if i got to the finals id have to get myself to LA... and then if im really picked for the show (eeeek!), id have to pretty much quit my job (assuming im there for the whole summer, cuz come on... duh). im sure my job would be held for me though, right?

  ha.

season 11

would have been alright... jordan and jeff were clearly the best part

season 12

LOVED season 12. but my girl annie went home waaaay too soon.

(and i still wish lane and britney would hook up. yes i still think about these things)

season 13

didnt care for it at first, but it got better

so, the application. because its ridiculous, ill spare you all the boring stuff (name, address, contact info, weight... really?) and give you some of the fun ones.

-name, phone number, and address of your Best Friend: uh oh, they mean business...

-if you are married or in a relationship, how would you rate your relationship on a scale of 1-10 (1 being worst, 10 being best)? please explain....

   -if you are married or in a relationship, how will your partner feel about the potential 3 month separation? i generally have to force him to watch but then he gets hooked... im assuming he would watch the show (maybe?), but he would probably go through a few more bottles of crown than during other seasons (he would also probably welcome the 3 month vacation hehe). (*side note: we've already discussed ways to send secret notes in the packages he will send when im head of household)

-are you a professional performer within the entertainment industry? if so, what do you do? hahahaha. yes that is really a question. and no, i am not.

-do you have any acting, singing, or performing aspirations? if so, tell us your wishes and goals. i sing in the car all the time and pretend im the next american idol.

-have you ever appeared in any television programs or films or movies or commercials or advertisements of any kind? one time when i was in los angeles we were part of a tv show in a supermarket parking lot. it was a show where people have these strange habits... the one they were filming was about a kid who works at the store who thought he was a professional wrestler and he would wrestle grocery carts. i cant make this up.

-are there any nude or other revealing or compromising images of you that are available publicly either through the internet, video, or otherwise? if so, please describe and explain. you mean you arent asking to see it? i mean... no, i hope not...

...so then they get even more fun...

-regardless of your marital status, describe your ideal romantic partner ...wow, just wow...

-describe your relationship with your mother and father ...is there a page limit to these answers?

-what is your favorite food? (i would tell them I LOVE PICKLES OMG SO GOOD just so that i wouldnt be stuck eating them if they found out i hated them. id starve first).

-do you drink alcohol? if so, how often do you drink and how much? if you drink, how often do you get drunk? how do you act when you get drunk? haha, i drink a little bit.... and i get more awesome, duh.

-do you have any food allergies? yup, pickles.

-whats your favorite color? interesting... ? maybe they want to know what ill like to wear for the unitard (God only knows id be the one wearing that damn thing)

-have you ever sought mental health counseling in any form? are they sure they really looked into rachels past before allowing her on the show?? just curious...

-please list any allergies you have and your current treatment for them (if any). just pickles. i dont eat them, that solves it.

...and heres where they get the good stuff so they know how to push you and get good ratings...

-do you have a temper? how often do you lose your temper? what provokes you? how do you deal with anger? how do you deal with someone who intimidates you? when was the last time you hit, punched, kicked, or threw something in anger? please provide details. (those are all separate questions... but really? i can get mad when people piss me off, which im sure will happen a lot in the house, but im not gonna flip out, which probably makes me less of a candidate. so id have to make something up haha. clearly i would not be the person they chose)

-what are you afraid of? spiders and snakes (they will be sure to have those on my show)

...and the "get creative" part...

-list three adjectives that best describe you: smart, hot, awesome. obvs.

-if you could hold any political office, what would it be? can i just be the professional political photographer?

-what is the accomplishment you are most proud of? well just this morning i managed to turn our white bath mat pink (washed it with never before washed red curtains) and then i successfully bleached the bath mat back to white. id say thats pretty huge for me.

-what are you most ashamed of, either now or in your past? whatever i would put here is for sure gonna get broadcast on tv

-list three items you would take with you into the big brother house if allowed and why- my camera, secret snacks (incase im on slop or restricted to eating only pickles), my nalgene bottle

-have you ever been to a nude beach? if so what was it like? uh negative. im gonna assume theyre pretty sweet, especially the one jennifer anniston would be at. unless its in maine or canada. 

-what would you do if big brother made you famous? whatever i wanted to do, id be famous! (im sure theyre looking for an answer like "heroin" or something. but no, i wouldnt do that.)

-what types of people would you choose to have living with you in the big brother house? (clearly whatever i write here they would put in the opposite. i know how this works, so...) please bring people like rachel and brendon, omg i love them soooooo much. and jessie, he was sooooo great and awesome and wonderful (b.a.r.f)

-what types of people would you NOT chose to live with you in the house? please dont have people jordan or britney, they sucked. jeff too, he was terrible to look at. i cant stand to live with people who are good looking and awesome. i need to be the best one there. *wink wink*

-what would irritate you about living in a house with about a dozen other people? everything, thats why i would make the show awesome.

-what do you think would be the most difficult part of living in the house? successfully getting further in the show due to a fake showmance, obviously.

-do you have a strategy for winning big brother? its top secret. actually, dont get kicked off, theres my strategy.

...then theres a THREE page waiver. three.pages. in bold CAPITAL LETTERS. they dont mess around. i think theyre pretty much asking for your first born. i havent actually read through it.

despite the fact ill never even send the application in, id be so terrible on this show, haha. and i would have no idea what to say in the diary room or when if i was on the block. (fun fact: sometimes ill call downstairs to tyler and go "tyler, please report to the diary room". danielle = huge loser. i really do have a sick obsession with this show. dont tell me you dont too). and i can barely remember what happened yesterday, let alone when they ask you all those questions for HOH competitions- "how many eyelashes fell out on the day that the 3rd houseguest went to the bathroom"... seriously. lets also not forget that i wouldnt have hot flashy dresses to wear. if im gonna be stuck in a house/backyard for 3 months, im bringing my bikini, workout clothes, and hoodies/sweatpants.

clearly id be the best houseguest ever. ill let you know when my season airs.