although i didnt go to bed with gum in my mouth, nor is there gum in my hair... and i dont ride a skateboard and its not yet cold enough for sweaters, today was still a bummer sort of day. i worked last night so i need to sleep during the day, which isnt always an easy task when its beautiful outside and you just want to be awake enjoying the sunshine. my alarm was set for 4:30pm. the landlord decided 3:30pm was a good time to mow the lawn. outside just my window (at least it felt that way).
i got up to shower and eat my cheerios. no milk. i felt like having a huge meltdown and crying while getting ready for work so i called my mom, who usually makes me feel better. she didnt. i hung up. moulin rouge was on tv and i just wanted to sit on the living room floor with my multi grain waffle and blueberries and not get out of my sweatpants until next wednesday.
i contemplated calling out sick. why not? oh yeah, night bonus. stupid. cant call in sick. so i got ready and made my dinner and got an iced coffee on the way. mocha. tasted more like coconut. i again thought about the pending meltdown and tears were now forming. so i called my mom again, and this time i tried desperately for her to see my side. she did. and she said "dan, just breathe". she must have just been reading my blog. one of the many reasons why i love my mom. if the first call doesnt work, just try again. she gets me, most of the time.
ooh breathe, just breathe...
im just feeling sort of lost and not in control. of everything. i recently posted on twitter that i have an 'i dont care attitude... about everything'. and thats still kinda true, but im starting to feel it more and maybe im not really liking a lot of it.
in the next three weekends i have three weddings to go. im in one. my brothers is another. throw in the reach the beach 200 mile relay, working nights, sleeping during the day, wedding planning, marathon training, trying to make time for my fiance... trying to breathe...
i feel like im suffocating.
i know im just in a rut. i hate working 6 nights in a row and i started this weekend with a poor attitude about it and now i cant shake it. im also contemplating backing out of the full marathon and just doing the half, which makes me mostly disappointed in myself. its not that i didnt try to train for it, i just honestly havent had the time. and with 4 months left til the wedding i suddenly feel overwhelmed. lots of stuff going on and for once i just feel like i cant do it all.
im happy to know i have super supportive family, fiance, and friends who will stand behind me in any and all decisions i make. and i love them all. xoxo.
on a fun note, when i got to work on thursday evening, i found this little button/gift tucked inside one of my work shoes in my locker. with love from linda, one of my favorite special care nurses
...and ice cream... and french fries... and ranch dressing...