how not to prepare for your 1st triathlon 101

race week is officially upon us. i have never been this nervous for a race before. ever. not even my first marathon (ok that might be a lie, but this is way different. totally).

let me make this very clear (as if you werent already aware)... i am a RUNNER. feet on the ground (most of the time). nice easy speed. able to jump into the bushes if a car is headed towards me. to my knowledge no drowning has ever occurred during a running road race.

this triathlon is freaking me right out.

needless to say my training has been less than stellar, and the same can be said about race preparation. what, you dont change your swim attire, bicycle, and running sneakers a week out from race day? oh.... whoops :)

so my original plan back many months ago when i thought this was a good idea was to swim in a one piece bathing suit and bike with my mountain bike. how tough could it be? due to maine weather being so crappy forever, i trained on the bikes at the gym and didnt get out on my mountain bike until maybe 3 weeks ago. fail. so slow. heavy. legs felt awful. also the bathing suit wasnt the most comfortable thing to ride/run in. shocking.

i looked into a tri outfit and there was no way i was spending that kind of money (since i will only be doing this ONCE). same with the bike. i was just going to have to suck it up. (which of course made me more nervous). i attempted a practice swim in a sports bra and compression shorts which ended up being a huge fail, so i was excited when a friend from high school offered me her tri suit on sunday (which i will get tomorrow, and practice in... once before the race. sure, why not! thanks betsy!)

so over the past week ive had a few tri related conversations with a friend:

me- freaking.out.

e- its going to be ok i promise

me- im gonna get so drunk that night

might not be enough

then i made a huge rookie mistake and looked at what i had coming for me....

is this triathlon on mount washington?

and in true awesome friend fashing, he tried to cover up how much im going to want to drink BEFORE the race, as opposed to after...

e- that elevation profile makes it look WAY worse than it is!
me- yeah ill be the judge of that, thanks
e- would i lie to you?
me- maybe?
e- ok would i lie to you about something so verifiable?
me- ok i believe you... maybe
e- the only problem i see is my version of what is a hill and your version may not be exactly the same
me- fact.

  **this coming from an ironman in training... if it goes up, its a hill.

so the conversation continued...

me- so lets see.... hour-ish bike (ok, maybe 2 hours), 12 min swim, 26ish min run... half hour for each transition :)
e- your goal is to break 1:30
me- I DONT WANT A GOAL!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!! DONT DIE IS MY GOAL!!!! ok done yelling. (after calming down)... ok i would love to have some sort of realistic goal but if i dont make it then ill need to do another tri. and THAT IS NOT HAPPENING! so no goal.
e- haha what i meant to say is your goal is 1:15
me- oh F off. im gonna look like a fool.
e- if you had done a 1:30 last year you would have beat 50 people, so you wont look foolish
me- only 50?!?! IM NOT EVEN GOING! first dnf. thanks.
e- there are only like 300 people in the whole thing
me- my relay team came in 3rd overall in 2010. i should have just done that.

its great to have supportive friends.

(fast forward to 3 days ago)
me- so i just read through the rules to make sure i dont do anything wrong... ill probably get pulled off the bike route for drafting, since i dont know what that is
e- its being too close behind someone
me- oh good, no problem then. there will be NO one around me

and then...

e- if you want i can lend you my road bike... it will be big for you though but might not be bad when the seat is lowered all the way. how tall are you? 5'3"? do you have long legs?

me- ha. no.

   **first of all, hes no taller than i am (sorry, if youre gonna call me 5'3", im making fun of your height too). ok so hes a little taller. and yes, im 5'4". but do i have long legs? hi, we've met. no.**

but i figured- hey, why not. what do i have to lose?

im not so sure about this

i clearly wore the right outfit for a bike fitting

and this is a what?

perfect form quasimodo #not

my hands go where?

this was where i learned that i will mostly only be using one set of gears (there are two sets? chains? crank? WHAT?! speak english!) i also learned i cant put my hands on the bottom curved part. this is so confusing. i wont even tell you how i almost screamed when he warned me one of the brakes didnt work "that well".

triathlon approved footwear, right?

so i left with a bike and promptly put it away in the basement for 3 days (still kinda scared). i tried it last night... and omg what a difference! what was i so afraid of? now i want a road bike! (not really). but other than thinking i might get hit by a car and worried the breaks werent going to work, i think i did ok. i just might survive after all.

but lets get real: im going to need about this much coffee pre race:

and ill pretty much be wishing i was doing this throughout the whole race instead:

but ill keep reminding myself:

and hopefully by this time on saturday, i will be able to call myself a TRIATHLETE!